Although we’d understand if so, they really don’t have to.

No bigger than your living room, Upcountry Fresh Tamales and Mixed Plate – UFTAMP, if you will – manages to churn out a wide variety of Mexican dishes and a fairly comprehensive list of plate lunch and local style offerings in a semi-incongruent, yet undeniably ballsy fashion.

Which came first: The chicken or the huevos?

We have no idea, but when in Rome we start with the Chicken Teriyaki ($9/$10 if you take it to go).

What arrived was a feast fit for Caesar, boasting three massive, well-marinated thighs. Ooh baby.

The chicken was deeply flavored with a predominant ginger profile.

The meat had a rather ferocious black char on the surface, but so long as you aren’t one to worry about benzopyrenes (and we were raised by a woman who scorched pretty much everything – even soup – and she’s still alive and kicking), then don’t sweat it: Chicken thighs can take the heat.

The delectable bird flesh comes with a generous side serving of slightly chunky mayonnaise… Wait. That’s mac salad.

For our tastes, the quantity of mayo present overshot abundance, bounded beyond decadence and landed squarely in Hellman’s no man’s land.

The two scoops of white rice, however, were just right.

Also from the “Local Dishes” portion of the menu, we sampled the Kalbi Ribs ($9.50/$10.50 to go).

The same mac salad and rice is accompanied by an equally generous portion of Korean-style beef strips. Unfortunately, ours were rather tough, also blackened and super salty.

Oh well. You know what they say, “Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it burned in one.”

We’re not really sure where we’re going with that, but sufficed to say we decided to focus on the Mexican side of the menu.

And what better place to start than with the namesake fresh tamales?

We began with the only option that day, the Chicken Tamal ($3 for one, $9 as part of a plate… And add that obligatory ace if you take it to go.)

Although the masa (outer cornmeal dough) tasted a bit like shortening, the filling itself was flavorful and savory.

Moist and delightful, it’s clear these tamales are made with love.

If you order the platter, anticipate a generous portion of salty refried beans and lackluster Spanish rice. Mushy and imbued with a vague tomato-y flavor, it’s no better or worse than what you’re used to in that regard, which is to say: Eh.

Still, buoyed by the tamal, we decided to take the always nerve-wracking plunge and order what we consider the pinnacle of Mexican cuisine, the Chile Relleno Plate ($9).

• Good news: It arrived topped with a layer of Ranchera sauce.
• Bad news: The sauce tasted like chili powder. And by that we mean it tasted like maybe the lid fell off the chili powder into the sauce and whoops.
• Good news: Get that on the side and it’s perfection; giant, battered, cheese-filled pepper-gasm perfection.

We handed over our credit card and told them to keep ‘em coming.

This did not work, unfortunately, as UFTAMP is cash only.

Womp. Womp. Womp.

Recently renovated, the restaurant is located in Pukalani Terrace, along with Ace Hardware and Foodland. In the long stretch of shops between the two, you can find it to the right of David’s Happy Nails with the words “MIXED PLATE” as your North Star.

Inside, the humble setting is clean and the service brisk, but friendly.

 We got to experience this multiple times in our pursuit of a tamal in any flavor other than chicken.

Unfortunately, that didn’t work out.

For whatever reason, on four different occasions the only option was bird. Our loss, no doubt.

However, so as not to leave empty-handed, we also sampled the Cheeseburger ($7).

The thick burger is topped with a slice of melted American cheese.

Desperately in need of seasoning and some of the mayo being hoarded for the mac salad, the hand-formed patty had a meatloafish quality.

Ah, Meatloafy Cheezeburger.

I want you. I need you. There ain’t no way I’m ever gonna enjoy you.

Dry and flavorless, this burger just did not do it for us.

And that’s okay.

UFTAMP is serving up everything from pancakes to fajitas to chicken hekka. With a menu that courageous, things are bound to go sideways from time to time.

Our advice?

Chile relleno, chile relleno, chile relleno, tamales.

Keep your selections south of the border and you’ll be fine.

The bottom line? Pukalani is officially boasting a bonafide Mexican option, near as we can tell.

To that, we can only say “Provecho.”

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Named after the owner’s cat, the Coconut Shrimp  ($10.99) might be shocked to learn it’s not all about them.

Six medium-sized shrimp arrive coated in sweet, shredded coconut and accompanied by a sweet, yet garlicky Thai chili sauce.

The net result is SWEET–intensely sweet–in the realm of coconut cream pie.

There is a fairly well-known secret recipe involving the pina colada base Coco Lopez, and we suspect they’ve got a copy. If your sweet tooth calls the shots,  this is one sure fire way to get on its good side. 

Meanwhile, the Fish and Chips ($12.99) are not anything you would find in the country that invented them. 

If you’re expecting a light, fluffy, beer battered coating, well, bullocks.

Think again.

Rather, two very thin slices of ono and mahi mahi, respectively, are coated in a heavily seasoned breadcrumb layer and fried, resulting in something more reminiscent of a chicken nugget than a trip to an English pub.

Although a bit dry, it’s probably healthier than the British namesake anyway.

We thought maybe the dish was just misnamed–“Fish Cutlets” lacks sex appeal, but captures the spirit of the flavors rather profoundly–but the accompanying packet of vinegar implies the moniker is intentional.

Not bad, not great; we imagine it often elicits sighs of “this wasn’t what I was expecting.”

The chips more than pull their weight: The pile of slender, well-seasoned fries give a jolly good showing all around.

Service is friendly and helpful, which is admirable considering the restaurant is often a madhouse. Familiar faces from Stella Blues are mixed in the bunch and folks go out of their way to compensate for the often inevitable “finding a place to sit” hiccups.

With limited seating in a fast-food style setting (order at the counter and find a spot to sit) and unparalleled popularity, expect to crash with strangers or take your meal to go.

We ordered our Grilled Mahi Mahi Salad ($15.95) prepared with butter, salt and pepper and served atop a Caesar salad, and boy howdy, did we get that.

The dressing is loaded with Parmesan to the point of being chunky and ladled on avalanche-style.

Sadly, this led to the greens quickly deflating in soggy surrender.

Although we couldn’t discern the more delicate flavor notes through the heavy-handed dressing, the fish was beautifully grilled.

Tender, flaky and extremely generous in portion, this was the hands-down highlight of our dining experience. Better yet? The two accompanying garlicky grilled shrimp.

Ask for your dressing on the side and this is a delightful meal… for two.

Let’s talk about portions.

Serving size is bananas. B.A.N.A.N.A.S.

It’s almost an unspoken theme, a la “go big or go home.”

Don’t believe us?
Bring your crampons and carabiners before you attempt to scale Mount Seafood Pasta ($16.95). 

A literal pound of spaghetti is mixed with a garlicky, slightly chunky Alfredo sauce; mushrooms; long strands of onion; capers; a jaw-dropping amount of ono and mahi mahi chunks and two shrimp.

It’s big, rich, heavy and way over the top.

We found ourselves seeking out the chunks of seafood before collapsing in total defeat, the pasta mountain still towering ominously before us.

Although it’s nice to see such generosity, the portions are simply too big. We’d love to be able to order a half-size portion with lower pricing for some of the larger or more popular dishes.

Like the Fish Tacos ($11.95).

At first, you may balk at the cost for what amounts to nothing but two tacos (the menu mentions cole slaw, but we didn’t realize that – or its absence – until just now.)

Then you see how ginormous these things are. 

Then you are told that in addition to the ono and mahi mahi, these beastly tacos boast “17 fresh ingredients!” and that you should “eat them with your hands!”

Although you may now be thinking “Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious,” we’d actually like to see footage of someone eating one of these puppies with their hands without wearing a third of it as a necklace.

Ease of access aside, it’s fresh and flavorful and somehow light despite the copious amount of ingredients (wild guess on the 17 would include mango, cabbage, tomato, cilantro, red onion, mayo, cheese, relish, lemon, dill and maybe coconut mokl… And that’s still six short.)

It’s like a salad bar threw up on a corn tortilla.

In a good way.

Sell it as a salad with a couple accompanying corn tortillas and well, now we’re locked in a love triangle with the Mahi Mahi Salad.

Thanks for nothing, Coconut’s.

And see you soon!

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Lightning threatened to ignite the very ground beneath our feet, seeming to chase us as we ran toward the refuge offered by the Queen Ka’ahumanu Mall.

Denied shelter in the Verizon store, we bolted up the stairs toward the food court as the howl of a wolf – or not – could be heard in the distance, seemingly from the vicinity of Sears.

So anyway, as we scanned the dining horizon, three words stood out like neon lights in Amish country: Badua’s Creperie Expresss.

Offering what coins we could spare and/or the asking price, we breathlessly ordered the Roast Beef Crepe (previously $8.95, recently $8).

The winds howled as the affable proprietor – presumably Badua himself – began to craft our sustenance.

He smoothed, browned and flipped the large, golden crepe.

We recalled a wet spring in Paris, absentmindedly daydreaming as he filled the thin pancake with slices of roast beef, cheddar cheese, sauteed onions and – wait.

What is that he’s squirting all over the top of the meat?

Is that thousand island dressing or… Sweet Mary and all the saints, no.

One thing you may or may not know about Badua:

He loves chipotle mayo. Loooooooooves. He puts chipotle mayo wherever it makes sense and perhaps sometimes where it doesn’t. He may or may not wear a holster so that he can double down on the chipotle mayo whenever possible. Some may have suggested that he and chipotle mayo get a room.

On that note, two things you may or may not know about us:

1. We often (regularly) fail to read the fine print.
2. While we won’t go so far as to say we hate chipotle mayo, if chipotle mayo was hit by a bus… We’d be driving that bus.

It’s our fault, but we overlooked the C.M. cameo on the menu and its appearance was a shock.

And all that we could taste.

So let’s just say the Roast Beef Crepe is spicy and smoky and redolent in all that is cured jalapenos and move on.

The Spinach and Mushroom Crepe ($8.95) fared better, with fresh – to the point of still being a touch raw – spinach, mozzarella cheese and “sauteed bottom” (canned?) mushrooms inside the same somewhat sweet, golden crepe.

The net flavor was a bit reminiscent of something Campbell’s might make, but nothing a little fresh garlic, cracked pepper and a touch of thyme – tarragon for the daring – wouldn’t fix.

The Parmesan Chicken ($8.59).

Hmmmm.

This crepe is stuffed with slices of whole chicken breast, the same mushrooms and ground Parmesan.

Although it’s then topped with ranch dressing, the grainy cheese renders each bite notably dry and gritty.

A crepe fusion experiment if ever there were, this Frankenstein needs a little more time in the lab.

Part skim – let alone fresh buffalo – mozzarella would help enormously. Even just a side of savory marinara sauce could really bring things to life.

Food takes a little while to prepare, so while you wait, let’s step back for a moment and really soak up the scene.

To drill it down, Badua’s operates out of a small mall kiosk such as that where you might otherwise purchase some sunglasses, an interesting wind chime or a cell phone case.

Snooping around, we saw both a large panini press and full crepe griddle, but let’s get real: This is a veritable Criss Angel illusion in action. We have no idea how – let alone where – they’re storing everything.

And by everything, we mean the menu also offers chicken tacos, chicken katsu, roast pork, a Mediterranean salad and a variety of paninis.

But since the name boasts “crepes,” we decided to color within the lines.

Still, this is some straight abracadabra, so consider applause or at least a hearty “Bravo!” When you’re presented with the Crepes Suzette (previously $6.49, recently $5.49).

Filled with whole canned mandarins, we really enjoyed the riff on ice cream provided by the rich, dense sweetened cream on top. Paired with the tender, lightly eggy crepe, it’s like buttah.

Nonetheless – blame our Francophile mother. Cooking as a whole isn’t her strong suit, but she can sling a mean and mystifyingly authentic crepe – but we would love to see some more simplified offerings like you might find from an equivalent cart in Paris.

Nothing beats an au sucre (butter and sugar) crepe, except maybe an au Nutella or – when not in the mood for sweets – jambon fromage.

Wait.

Scratch that.

There is a Ham and Cheese Crepe ($7.00) on offer.

The batter is a lot sweeter than we’re used to and there is a decorative, yet extensive flourish of mayonnaise on top, BUT this was the most traditional offering we tried… And by far our favorite.

Still, we’d love to see a switch to the traditional Gruyere or any kind of Swiss (rather than cheddar) cheese.

Side note: The mayo, albeit pretty, isn’t necessary.

I guess what we’re trying to say, Badua, is we love the concept. We love the variety. We love your husband-wife-adorable toddler trio. We appreciate the thoughtful and unexpected side salad accompaniment, and we adore the price point.

We just honestly think you’re making it harder on yourself than you have to.

If this sounds intriguing, consider simplifying.

Look to Parisian crepe carts for recipe inspiration, lose the (occasionally rather past it’s prime) side salad and throw those freshly made pancakes in some wax paper and call it good.

We think you’re onto something great, and with a few little tweaks – maybe a calamansi, sugar and butter offering? – and abridgments, this unapologetic purist may be forced to start an adjacent sunglasses kiosk just to have an excuse to eat here every day.

Well, Mercredi, Jeudi et Vendredi anyway.

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Haui’s Life’s a Beach – a veritable chameleon of a bar/restaurant/karoake joint/low brow watering hole  – offers a notable, first-hand lesson on that very topic.

Arrive at 1 p.m. and find a somewhat dark, but generally hospitable beach bar suitable for families and little ones.

Arrive at 1 a.m. and it’s a somewhat dark, very crowded, very drunken, somewhat dicey beach bar suitable for karaoke fanatics and other revelers.

Choose your poison.

That stated, and with respect to food, Haui’s offers more than you might expect.

In the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions…

The Brain

Much like many of the beach bars on South Kihei Road, Haui’s specializes in Americanized Mexican and burger-ish offerings.

To get the full effect, we went with the A-La-Carte ($4/$7/$9).

Mix and match your choice of three taco fillings in three different shells, four different enchiladas and chile rellenos into the combo of your choice. Sound easy?

We’ll have you know

P (n,r) =  n! / (n-r)!

reveals that 1,111 combinations are possible.

Our minds completely blown, we found ourselves playing it safe with the Chicken Enchilada, Cheese Enchilada and Steak Taco ($9).

The Steak Taco presented basic run-for-the-border fare: steak meat, orange shredded cheese and iceberg lettuce in a crunchy corn tortilla. On the upside, the salsa is fresh and flavorful and goes a long way to uplift what might otherwise pass for thinking outside the bun down the street.

The Chicken and Cheese Enchiladas fared better. Quite cheesy in one case and loaded with moist shredded chicken in the other, there are no surprises here… And why would you want one?

The Athlete

“If you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand.”

That’s pretty cold, Phil Collins, but if you want to get the job done quickly, then toss the Chimichanga ($8, $10 with pork, beef or chicken) her way.

This dense, meaty, deep fried linebacker will drag someone to the bottom faster than you can say “Su-Su-Sussudio.”

Allegedly invented in Tucson, Arizona, this dish further bolsters our “solid Americanized Mexican” claim in both flavor and existence.

A large flour tortilla is filled with beans, rice, cheese, guacamole, sour cream and even meat, if you so decide. Then it’s thrown in a vat of boiling oil, fried until crispy and ready to knock you out.

Just two hits. It hits you. You hit the floor.

The Basketcase

We’ve said it before, and – brace yourselves – we’ll say it again: The Chile Relleno is the baseline by which all Mexican restaurants can be judged.

The verdict on Emilia’s Chili Relleno ($4 a la carte/$10 for two with beans and rice)?

Not guilty by reasons of insanity.

Seriously though, made with a fresh Anaheim pepper, it’s one of the cheesiest rellenos we’ve ever encountered.

Fresh green pepper? Check. Light egg-based batter? Check. Gooey cheesy innards? Oh yeah.

For what it is and where you are, this is as solid a rendition as you’ll find anywhere. Even crazier? For once, the price is right. 

The Princess

Arguably the leanest and meanest of Haui’s Mexican offerings, the Fish Tacos ($12) would get our vote for Prom Queen if not for all the dairy.

Fish + shredded cheddar cheese + sour cream = Why?

Granted, the menu spells this out, so it’s our fault for not having all the less authentic items (Iceberg lettuce, we’re looking at you) withheld, but still.

We love how there is a choice of battered cod (100% guaranteed this is lounging in a freezer right now) and grilled mahi (no brainer), but the adornments could use some help and the tacos are on the pricier/smaller side.

Still want one? Wait for Taco Tuesday when The Princess is cheap and easy and get fishy for just $3 a pop.

The Criminal

The Appetizer Sampler ($12) is the dish your mother warned you about.

The deep fryer puts in some overtime with four perfectly crisp, lightly breaded, Buffalo sauce-on-the-side chicken wings ($10 as an individual app.)

“THIS is a derelict?” you scoff.

But don’t underestimate this hooligan.

He steals all your booze and keeps the party going with several sticks of Fried Zucchini ($8 as a solo appetizer), a hypocritical favorite. Inside, it’s healthy green veggie goodness. Outside, it’s toilet papering your house.

The Sampler rounds out with Jalapeno Poppers ($9 as an app) and Onion Rings ($8 standalone).

Stuff’s frozen, suspended in dark
Think of the tender way hot fryer oil treats prawns

Low temps may pull us apart
Don’t let that grease get into your heart, baby

Don’t you forget to strain me
Don’t Don’t Don’t Don’t…

We don’t know this, but odds are all four items are pre-made, pre-battered, previously frozen and liberated from a giant bag before frying, but hey, it’s a bar.

And under those terms, the only real appraisal involves deep fryer finesse. When it comes to governing the grease, we render Haui’s crew legit.

As for the rest of the staff, front of the house service can be scattered and staff seems to turn over regularly.  On our visits this led to confusion with both the menu and the bill, but the friendly waitresses persevered until all was resolved.

Haui’s Life’s a Beach is a cute outdoor beach bar, grimy local watering hole, pool and foosball table recreation center, loud karaoke mecca and better-than-you-would-think option for a cheap and flavorful lunch.

Granted, you may not want to fraternize with everybody in that lineup, but you know what they say: Life’s a beach sometimes.

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In nineteen hundred forty-two

Kuau Store was brand spankin’ new.

Since that time, the little building off the Hana Highway has been through many incarnations, the most memorable to whit being the former Kuau Mart.

Known for plate lunches, local surfer sightings and the proprietors’ uncanny knack for learning – and usually remembering – every (and we mean EVERY. Even tourists) customer’s name, the fat lady sang in February 2011 to notable public outcry.

After sitting empty for three long, lonely years, the space reopened last winter as the upscale market and deli now known as Kuau Store.

This latest incarnation is sleek, bright and reminiscent of a Whole Foods more than the family-run shop of yore.

Walk inside and get a load of more Maui-made products than you can shake a Maui Hands walking stick at. Hot sauce options alone boast the Maui Preserved, Hana Hotties and Adoboloco brands, to name a few.

But Kuau Store isn’t just an upscale-ish (Fritos, Bud Light and the like beget the “ish”) local market, but a takeaway deli, poke and plate lunch proprietor as well.

A plate lunch of Shoyu Chicken, Smoked Pulled Pork or a mix thereof will set you back a reasonable $7.99.

We started with the bird and received several pieces of skin-on, bone-in dark meat chicken.

Deeply marinated, the soy and ginger flavors permeated the juicy flesh straight to the bone. This is Hawaiian comfort food at its finest.

Although the name clearly denotes that the pork has been smoked, your taste buds might assert that that’s an understatement.

We found the smoky flavor of the pulled pork so intense, it’s almost like you’re eating the remains of a campfire.

The accompanying barbecue sauce is very sweet with notable molasses notes. It helps to cut the ‘in yo face’ smokiness of the pork, but add in the heavy-handed salt application, and it was all a bit too much for us.

All plate lunches come accompanied by (but of course) white rice and mac salad. The latter is mayo rich, with bits of carrots and some hard-boiled egg. It took a few bites to determine where a notable sweetness was coming from, and we honestly think we tasted a bit of cinnamon in there. Interesting.

Long story short?

Unless you’re Smokey the Bear, “Shoyu Chicken” is all you need to say.

Well, maybe not all.

Kuau Mart also serves a limited variety of poke, and we made a beeline for the Spicy Ahi Poke Bowl ($7.99).

The tuna itself was very fresh and coated in a typically spicy mayonnaise sauce – and lots of it – replete with scallions, onion and tobiko.

The strong sesame oil notes aren’t really our thing, but the unexpected after burn – reminiscent more of the heat of a Hawaiian chili pepper than Sriracha sauce – coupled with the tender cubes of fresh ahi renders this a top notch variation.

For those seeking less local flavors, Kuau Store also offers a vast assortment of panini sandwiches.

The Prosciutto Caprese Panini ($8 solo/$9.59 with one side) finds the classic Italian combination battling it out in a head-to-head flavor showdown.

In one corner, 12 large basil leaves flex their herbaceous muscles… Resulting in total flavor domination over the three thin slices of cured meat, tomato and delicately flavored cheese cowering on the other side of the bread.

We recommend thinning down to a single layer of the herb, but you do what you want.

Made on a ciabbata bun, we incorporated some minor adjustments (i.e. removed a portion of the basil) and greatly enjoyed this take on Italy’s answer to the ham and cheese sandwich.

Speaking of buns…

Who wears short shorts?

The girls working the front register wear short shorts.

Service is friendly, helpful and occasionally scantily clad.

On all our visits, the folks behind the deli counter were patient, efficient and cheerfully answered our menu questions.

The ladies running the register, however, seemed a little more focused on their cell phones.

They’ll get you rung up eventually, but in the meantime, we could only imagine already-embattled couples on the Road to Hana finding something new to bicker about after catching sight of Daisy Duke.

Treat it as inspiration for your next workout or an irrefutable cause to throw in the towel and order a Reuben Panini ($8/$9.59 with one side salad from the deli case).

Made with Boar’s Head pastrami, creamy sauerkraut and capers, this is one (admittedly non-traditional) badass sandwich.

We don’t know if the sauerkraut is local or freshly made, but it’s good. Really good. Return-just-for-a-tub-of-sauerkraut-even-though-we-never-eat-sauerkraut-outside-a-Reuben good.

Topped with Swiss cheese and a ketchup-less Thousand Island dressing, this is one of Kuau Store’s core offerings and worth the trip all by itself. 

Billed as the last stop before Hana, it’s kind of on the wrong side of the road for those headed east.

Parking can be scarce and backing out of the lot down right death-defying, but if you’re in the mood for something warm on a bun – or maybe just leering at buns – it’s no doubt worth the risk.

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The place is often standing room only – abuzz with hungry diners and others awaiting takeout order –  even just minutes from closing.

Packed with locals and (judging by the sunburns) vacationing visitors, the scent of deep fried sweet nothings hangs in the air.

Tantalizing deep fried goodness, you say?
Tell me more of these sweet nothings of which you speak.

Well, Teriyaki Mochiko Spam Musubi ($2) for one.

Everything you love about sweet, sticky teriyaki and crispy chicken mochiko combined with a pillowy spam musubi. A righteous example of all five S’s: Sweet, Salty, Savory, Soft and Seaweed.

And while you’re at it, you must not overlook the Fried Chicken ($8).

Boneless bits of dark and white meat chicken are surrounded by a plentiful coating of crunchy, salty, delectable breading.

Did we mention it’s salty?

Arguably a bit (a lot) too much sodium for some tastes/blood pressures, but rather addictive nonetheless.

Need a break from all the crispy bits?  The fried chicken is accompanied by a particularly good macaroni salad filled with squares of tender potato.

The scoop of plain white rice also offers welcome grease reprieve.

Continuing the switch to mellower gears, we sampled the Miso Saba ($8.50).

A generous portion of the moist, but fishy mackerel is well-complemented by the delicate miso sauce.

To be honest, this dish caused us to realize we prefer our saba presented as raw sashimi or dusted with flour and lightly fried, but hey, live and learn.

Take note, unless you’re practicing for some sort of uncouth dinner party cat hairball reenactment, do not attempt to consume this dish in low light as it is brimming with tiny pin bones.

Proceed with caution, and you’ll be just fine.

Meanwhile, when we see Unagi Don ($10) on a menu, we always hear a voice say, “I’ll have the Unagi Don.”

Lo and behold, most of the time that voice is ours.

Although it wasn’t the knock-down drag-out best eel we’ve ever had, it definitely took one distinctive honor: the best price we’ve seen on Maui.

The flavor was standard, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Doubling our pleasure, the portion is generous.

Once again, the Salt Monster makes an appearance, this time in the form of some wilted cabbage.

So long as you’re not at risk for any heart or stroke issues, the cabbage not only adds some green, but a nice crunch and balancing touch to the slightly sweet meat and subtly flavored rice.

Once again, all these contrasting flavors make our taste buds happy.

The humble restaurant holds about seven tables, but is regularly busy, buzzing with a notable congenial vibe.

Even though the menu is large and varied enough to be labeled “totally redonkulous,”service is notably friendly, helpful and swift.

Last up, we sampled one of what we consider one of the (only) good reasons for chilly weather, Tempura Udon ($8.70).

The savory broth is quite pleasing, with an unusual smoky undertone.

It’s accompanied by toothy udon noodles and perfect crisp tempura-battered offerings. The two lightly breaded shrimp, two green beans, one piece of squash, and one piece of eggplant were all light and crisp outside, but still wonderfully al dente inside.

Probably the only notable complaint we have is the restaurant’s commitment to  closed-cell extruded polystyrene foam.

Whether you dine in or take it to go, it’s white plastic containers as far as the eye can see.

Best case (in a manner of speaking), the Styrofoam containers all end up in the Pu’uenene landfill and not the ocean, but we wouldn’t mind seeing it done away with altogether.

Still. whether you’ve yet to try their varieties of musubi or are looking into long-term residential treatment for your fried chicken addiction, Restaurant Matsu is sure to whip you up something delectable.

From there, the fate of  your closed-cell extruded polystyrene foam container is up to you.

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But let’s say – for whatever reason – that’s not so easy.

No worries, as the sweet, sunny proprietress of the all-lunch-and-only-lunch Makawao Garden Cafe can pretty much take her place in a pinch. In fact, let’s just call her Mom.

We must start by noting that during all three visits, we were struck by Mom’s relentless cheerfulness. She gives off the impression that she’s sincerely happy to be there, doing what she’s doing.

Bravo, Mom. There should be more of your kind in the world.

What the world maybe doesn’t need more of, however, is the Bacon and Brie Sandwich ($6.50 half/$8.50 whole).

Bacon? A disappointment?Yes, it sounds appealing – we enthusiastically agreed when Mom suggested it – but the execution was a flop.

We were as floored as the next guy, but then again, it’s not every day someone fashions an entire meal out of Bac-Os®.

Yes, sadly, our hoagie roll was outfitted with a thin layer of pulverized bacon bits, lettuce, tomato and a few translucent slices of brie. Honest to Pete, we are not even sure how Mom managed to slice the gooey cheese so paper thin. Maybe freezing it first?

Regardless, it is what it is: a BLT with too much bread and no mayo. Maybe check out Costco, Mom, where the brie flows plentiful and cheap.

On our next visit we tried again to order the Crab and Avocado Sandwich ($7.50 half/$9.75 whole), but that baby is as elusive as a Big Foot on a unicorn.

We tried to order it three different times without success, to our chagrin.

“How about a Ham and Cheese?” Mom suggested with her trademark sunny smile.

Makawao Garden Cafe’s Ham and Cheese Sandwich ($6.50 half/$8.50 whole) is pretty much a time machine to your third grade lunchbox, minus some carrot sticks and a thermos of milk.And so it was.

Whole wheat sandwich bread is layered with deli ham, cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and mayo.

It’s pretty much exactly what you would make for yourself at home, but without the messy cleanup.

The accompanying Caesar salad was the highlight of both dishes. Although very basic – no anchovies, no croutons and only a whisper of shredded Parmesan cheese – the garlicky Caesar dressing was outstanding.

Suddenly it seemed that maybe we were doing this all wrong. Perhaps where Mom really shines is with salads.

Thus, we ordered up a Curry Chicken Salad ($7 half/$9 whole).

Mixed spring greens are topped with shredded carrots, zucchini, and – you probably saw this coming – chicken salad.

Comprised primarily of white meat chicken, mayo and curry powder, we found it a bit sweet… Or perhaps that was the influence of the dressing.

The bright orange plop of baby food puree on top – later determined to be extremely ripe papaya – looks pretty, but added nothing flavor-wise.

It’s not going to change your life, but if the promise of a simple, light “ladies who lunch” type-salad tickles your fancy, this is a solid choice. 

The space itself is comprised of three outdoor tables and a small, two story structure in which the food is prepared. Basically, it’s a food truck with an upgraded location.

If you can find a spot to sit, the garden-like setting is peaceful and excellent for covert people-watching.

Parking on Baldwin street, however, is (always) a bitch.

The same vegetation foundation (mixed spring greens with shredded carrots and zucchini) is topped with six sashimi-sized slices of near-flavorless mahi mahi and some overripe alfalfa sprouts.On our final visit, the Catch of the Day Salad ($7.50 half/$9.75 whole) confirmed our burgeoning theory: Mom has some ninja-like knife skills.

We’re not going to lie to you: Mom let us down with this one.

The scant fish portion was in desperate need of seasoning. Or some time on a grill. Or salt. Anything.

Regrettably, seeming to sense its own extraordinary blandness, the wan bits of mahi mahi took to extreme measures. In less than five minutes, they had completely soaked up the flavor of the alfalfa sprouts and became completely permeated with their bitter earthiness.

We know Mom doesn’t want us crying over spilled milk, but what about fish that tastes like old sprouts?

Waaaaaah!

We imagine on a better day it’s another nice, light salad choice, but that was not our luck.The basil vinaigrette helped somewhat, but not enough.

In all fairness, we never did get a chance with the Crab and Avocado sandwich and perhaps that is the crown jewel that would have changed the tone of our experience. Certainly it’s perpetually sold-out-by-noon status suggests as much.

Nonetheless, if you are in Makawao and the mood for a half-sandwich or light salad, Makawao Garden Cafe has a varied and well-priced smattering of offerings.

And, if that’s not so much your groove, you can count on Mom to be there with smiles and terms of endearment to make you feel like you’ve popped in for a visit home.

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Their website boasts, “We are well known for our famous Chinese Chicken Salad.” and “Stillwell’s Cream Horns are a favorite for visitors and locals alike and boxes of them are often seen leaving Maui as a special gift.”

Legendary salads and pastries worthy of paying for a checked bag?

We’ll bite.

We commenced our consumption in the early morning light, with the Local Boy ($8.25).

Two eggs cooked exactly as we ordered, two meats (Spam, bacon, Portuguese sausage or ham) and two scoops of furikake-topped rice.

Any questions?
We didn’t think so.

Want pancakes at 11 a.m.?

Try to playfully coerce some hotcakes out of them and prepared to meet with a verbal smackdown.Tough luck, Rip Van Winkle. Breakfast has been over for an hour by then, and these rules are made to be followed.

This is how we came to be eating a Crab Cake Sandwich ($10.75 plus $.50 for a torpedo roll) for “breakfast.” 

Stillwell’s bakes all of their bread themselves, and nowhere is this more pleasantly apparent than with their torpedo rolls. Essentially a baguette in a miniaturized size, this gluten party is not to be missed.

Speaking of wheat, the crab cake itself has a notable amount of breadcrumb filler.

Scratch that.

Although the crab cake is predominantly comprised of breadcrumbs, it’s more than just a giant amalgam of fried breadcrumbs. With some scrutiny, you can see bits of crab and what we reckon are tiny flakes of green onion.

Arguably this an infraction of the cardinal law of seafood patties – always keep the meat to filler ratio uneven in favor of meat – but utilized in a sandwich we’ll give this breadcrumb bonanza a pass.Then it’s rolled in more bread crumbs and pan fried.

Topped with lettuce, tomato and a schmear of tartar sauce, it’s not the best we’ve ever had, but also not the worst. Would we pay $12-ish for it again?

That depends. Is this a “solar flares have rendered the world foodless, hopeless and largely cannibalistic” scenario or just your average Wednesday afternoon? If the latter, then no.

The accompanying Caesar salad was comprised of crisp, fresh romaine topped with dressing and shreds of Parmesan cheese. All in all, a perfectly acceptable way in which to work toward your daily recommended allotment of calories.

But let’s say you want more to life than “perfectly acceptable,” “average Joe” and “skinny jeans.”

We don’t know what came over us, but this seemed like a good idea at the time.Enter the BLT on Croissant ($10.25 + $.50 for the croissant).

And it was… At least as far as our taste buds were concerned.

But for our bikini body, however?
This combination is diabolical.

Four slices of bacon adorn a solid, yet buttery croissant. A little more dense and heavy than its Paris equivalent, it’s still quite good.

Also inside this rich, crusty exterior is mayo, lettuce, and some notably mealy, lackluster tomatoes. It’s a spendy BLT already, but in for a dime, in for a dollar. We’d pay another $.50 for some upgraded local tomato slices.

Regardless, if all this decadence isn’t bad enough for you, it appears they’ve added a layer of Swiss cheese.

We could almost hear our heart grinding to a fatty, clogged place of no pulse bliss. If the Surgeon General knew about this sandwich, he’d give it a warning label.

Although plentiful in portion size, it delivered notably little on the flavor front.Hoping not to be called into the light, our next visit found us ordering up some Chow Fun ($7.75).

Copious rice noodles are pan fried up with thinly sliced ham lunch meat, green onion and fresh mung bean sprouts… somehow resulting in next to no flavor. The dish is in desperate need of some more onions, garlic, soy sauce, ginger, hot peppers, cabbage… anything.

On the upside, a couple small packets of soy sauce are provided, administering a much-needed boost of sodium.

If you’re looking for a large and filling plate where flavor is an afterthought, this could be your jam.

In other news, service is unpredictable. Some employees are cheery and helpful and others, well, not so much.

Pro tip:  DO NOT TRY TO ALTER THE MENU.We discovered this when we found we could no longer resist the lure of the famous Chinese Chicken Salad ($6.50 half/$9.75 full).

And by “alter” we mean things like asking for your salad to be tossed with dressing. Because they won’t do that.

Fearful that they maybe thought we were referring to the Urban Dictionary meaning of the term, we switched gears and requested another paper plate upon which to execute our own tossing.

We were tersely informed that use of a second plate comes with a charge.

Ouch. Way to make us feel like an unreasonable prima donna.

The dressing is heavy with sesame oil – not our favorite thing – but it’s a solid choice for those who aren’t so into bread or in the market for something light.Tossing complications aside, the salad featured more of the fresh romaine found in the side Caesar. It was then topped with a few shreds of carrot and red cabbage, cucumber slices, chicken, crumbled wonton pieces and sesame seeds.

We won’t split hairs about varying approaches to Chinese chicken salad and what it apparently takes to be famous these days, except to say we found this one fairly akin to something selected from a smattering of “grab and go” salads at the airport. On the upside, the chicken meat tasted like it came from a roasted bird rather than a deli counter, which is a nice touch.

As for the baked goods, well, the vast case of offerings look downright incredible, thus leading us to the conclusion that Stillwell’s is a bakery first and a cafe distant second.

Otherwise, maybe just focus on the pastry case.If you’re in the area and craving a sandwich, it’s a reasonable option.

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How he came to front the Hawaiian equivalent of Red Lobster is beyond us, but there’s probably a good story there. 

At any rate, TGI Aloha Fri… Er… Duke’s Beach House serves breakfast, lunch and dinner seven days a week and doubles as the pool bar and resort restaurant at Honua Kai Resort & Spa.

The restaurant enjoys an ocean-side location, although you’re more likely to hear it than see it.

Still, it’s a real estate agents dream: location, location, location.

Like siblings Leilani and Kimo, food choices are tend toward the pedestrian, spiked with an island flair.

What arrives are two perfectly poached eggs resting upon Canadian bacon and toasted English muffins.We always like to see what’s shaking with an Eggs Benedict ($13.75).

Topped with a slightly grainy Hollandaise, the sauce possessed good lemon flavor and packed a powerful and unexpected cayenne punch.

Prefer fruit or another side besides potatoes or rice?

No.

But what if I…?

No.

I’ll pay ex…

No.

I…

No.

Humorously, when the plate does arrive, the Roasted Fingerling Potatoes ($3.50 as a side) are allocated in a near garnish portion. Dr. Atkins would approve.Moses’ tablets had nothing on the Duke’s Beach House menu. That bugger is apparently written in stone, so don’t try to change it.

Still, mixed with some onion and bell pepper slices, the potatoes themselves are nicely al dente and well-seasoned.

The Beach Boy Burrito ($13.50) presents a large flour tortilla filled with eggs, sausage, bacon, and cheese.

We don’t know if there was an obese Beach Boy, but this is one serious heaping helping of meat and huevos. Topped with salsa and a couple small chunks of avocado, there are no surprises here, and that’s a good thing.

However, please show some common sense.

Heed your grandmother’s advice and don’t get in the water for at least an hour after eating this thing.

If there is much beyond a bad (flat, burned or soggy for reasons unknown) pancake and a good (light, fluffy, cooked to a deep golden hue) pancake, we don’t know what it is.We admit it.

Duke’s “tsunami sized” MacNut Banana Pancakes ($11.75) are spendy, but ultimately fall on the side of good pancake and that’s good enough for us.

Similarly, the Maui Grown Fruit Platter ($9.50)  is fresh and flavorful, but all that taste bud bounty comes at a premium. Portions are small, but quality is high. The star fruit, lychee and dragonfruit slices are unexpected, delightful inclusions.

With five locations on the islands and in southern California, Duke’s is a mini-chain. But make no mistake, the developers have managed a full-scale franchise feel; something of a Polynesian Chilis.

With her encouragement, we ordered the Ho Daddy Fish and Chips ($16.50).Similarly, service is hit or miss. While our sunglasses-wearing breakfast server (twice) seemed rushed and even irritated by our questions, our female lunch server could not have been more friendly and helpful. Fast and furious with the honey, baby, sweethearts, she was equal parts engaging and efficient.

Alaska cod is coated in a Kona Brewing Company Lava Man Red Ale batter, resulting in a crisp outer layer and hot, flaky fishy middle.

Although nothing fancy, the added touches of malt vinegar and homemade, caper-rich tartar sauce kicked things up a notch.

Of particular note were the addictive little fries, falling somewhere between traditional French frites and canned potato sticks. We can resist 99.9% of the world’s French fry offerings, but Duke’s are a cut above. We maybe kinda sorta hogged the majority.

Standing out from the otherwise predictable-ish offerings, the ancient grain is a welcome surprise.Similarly, the Arugula and Farro Salad with Fresh Island Fish ($17.75) is inspired.

Also known as emmer (farro being its Italian moniker), it looks and tastes a bit like a nutty brown rice, but those with gluten sensitivities should note it is a type of wheat, albeit an archaic one.

The chewy grain is plated cold and topped with (allegedly. We have our suspicions) arugula, Surfing Goat Dairy feta, fresh local tomatoes, cucumbers, nicoise olives and grilled yellow zucchini slices. After all that is tossed with an herbaceous balsamic vinaigrette, a generous fillet of ahi serves as the cherry on top.

Light, fresh, filing and unabashedly delicious, we would order this again. And again.

The live music – James Taylor and Van Morrison covers played soft and sweet – push things over the ‘be here now’ edge.Yes, there is an undeniable tourist trap feel to Duke’s Beach House, but there is an equal measure of mellow vacation vibe magic.

So you’re eating an overpriced tropical fruit plate. That’s life sometimes. And it goes by too fast.

Slow down, get your paws on some of those fries and stay awhile.

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Ichiban Okazuya:

Us: No, you didn’t hate me, I hated you.

The second time we met, you didn’t even remember me.

Ichiban Okazuya: I did too, I remembered you. You ordered Chow Fun.

The third time we met, you ordered the Katsu and we became friends.

Us: We were friends for a long time.

Ichiban Okazuya: And then we weren’t.

Us: And then we fell in love.

This strange little shack by the courthouse in Wailuku might seem like an unlikely setting for a love story, but hey, so was Brokeback Mountain.

Our initial meeting, however?

On that very first date we tried the Chow Fun ($1.92/$3.12/$4.80), but found it low on flavor and heavy on noodles. The entire thing contained one–one!–chunk of delicious pork. One.More fizzle than sizzle.

Did someone tell you we’re Jewish? Lies. Insidious lies.

The two slivers of carrot and reasonable portion of onion didn’t do much to help. Thank Yahweh for the accompanying packet of soy sauce.

(And as a side note, we tried it again a few weeks later and got five pork chunks. Luck of the draw.)

Waiter, there is too much oil in my paprikash.

We also sampled the Eggplant with Pork Special Combo ($7.68). Tender eggplant and savory pork soak in a veritable pool of oil.

Although the flavor is fine, the grease is unnerving.

The Karokke?

Still, we were underwhelmed by the overall experience. Thankfully, however, continued endorsements led us to agree to a second date.Well, these panko-breaded and fried mashed potato rounds taste pretty much exactly like… panko-breaded and fried mashed potato rounds. Not that there’s nothing wrong with that.

Upon a strong recommendation, we went for the Korean Fried Chicken ($6.80).

Unfortunately, it was a bit soggy and the sauce tasted strongly of ketchup. We started to wonder if Ichiban even liked us.

Still, the fact that they were sold out for all but two pieces by noon is testimony to:

1. getting there early;
2. how good it must be if you do actually get there early.

With nowhere to sit, the small storefront is almost always packed with hungry customers and the troupe of ladies working the back display an impressive, non-stop hustle. Get in line and wait for the friendly counter help to guide you.The restaurant itself opens at 10 a.m. and is essentially a take out establishment. Moreover, it quite possibly boasts the most welcoming staff on the Valley Isle.

And help they will.

We inquired upon what was identified as a Tofu Ball.

“Is it good?” we asked.

The lovely woman’s expression, combined with a shrug, seemed to say, “If that’s what you’re into.”

In contrast, we are very much into the Katsu Chicken ($6.80). As in like like.We decided we probably weren’t.

Although we didn’t intend to order it, the fact that everything else was sold out (at 11:30 a.m. Not early enough!) functioned as a very effective mind changer.

The thigh meat is breaded in panko, crisply fried and accompanied by a way-above-average hoisin sauce. This isn’t a dish we tend to seek out, but with Ichiban Okuzaya’s version, we will make an exception.

The accompanying potato mac salad contained hardboiled eggs and was all kinds of yum.

The restaurant also prepares Nishime, a Japanese stew filled with–best guess–hasu (burdock root), daikon, carrot, shiitake, knotted sea kelp and lotus root.

However, as before–see “overwhelmingly popular place”–they’d run out of every other side dish. When we agreed to take some despite our preconceptions, the lady in line behind us in line yelled out – and we are not making this up – “sucker!”Normally, this is not our cup of tea, mostly because the smell reminds us of, well, a Honey Bucket at the tail end of Coachella .

It’s not for everyone.

On the upside, it was better than the others we’ve sampled… but still not our cup of stewed root vegetables. Still, preparation takes time and for those who do appreciate it, this version is an obvious labor of love.

Odds are we’d prefer the nishime ingredients with a nice crispy coating of tempura, but that’s not necessary when there is a Tempura Plate ($8.64) available.

Due to the obvious demands of serving the teeming masses, the individual ingredients had been fried earlier, but the two shrimps, eggplant, zucchini, carrot, and broccoli pieces still retain a little crunch.

I’ll have what she’s having.The soggier mouthfuls are well disguised by the tentsuyu dipping sauce. Between the cost and the speed, there’s no need to complain.

Although we want absolutely nothing–or less–to do with eels in the wild (admit it: they’re scary), we sure do enjoy some deceased, broiled and well-sauced anguilliformes on a plate.

Ichiban Okazuya and I finally started to reallyclick.

Perhaps there was too much PDA, as we’re pretty sure we were called out–a finger was decidedly wagged in our direction–by the lone man of the crew for ordering something (presumably) complicated and/or slow, but we’d trouble him again.

Tomorrow.

The eel itself is not available as part of the prepared foods in the deli case, but the Unagi Bowl ($11.52) is abso-friggin-lutely worth the little extra wait (and shaming).

The skin is still on and is no match for your plastic fork. Fuhgeddaboutit. It’s chewy as a pack of Hubba Bubba anyway, so we recommend just eating around it.The meat was moist, tender, meaty, flavorful and lightly sauced to perfection.

If that’s not enough, the accompanying tsukemono (salted cabbage), was extremely well done: still crisp to the bite but without the sharp raw cabbage flavor. The saltiness might be a bit much alone, but perfectly complemented the plain rice.

We suggest you two meet soon.

Because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

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