When on Molokai, expect to find plenty of locals retrieving “to go” orders, catching up on the latest news and getting their grinds on at Kualapu’u Cookhouse.

Follow their lead.

Here you can find plenty of time to think your own thoughts and acclimate to the leisurely pace of life on the “Friendly Isle” in humble but welcoming surroundings.

Although Molokai itself is hardly on the beaten path, the little green house-turned-restaurant is in a residential part of the island near the coffee plantation.

Still, you’ll probably pass by at least once on your way between Kaunakakai and the Kalaupapa Peninsula or the island’s western end.

We started with the Homemade Corned Beef Hash Breakfast ($9.50).

Ground corned beef, slices of potato and green onion are combined into a patty and fried. It’s a less chunky “hash” than you might be used to, but the flavor is good.

We ordered our two eggs scrambled, but what arrived was more like a naked omelet.

When we inquired on a redo, we were told that would “take a long time.”

Thus, we can’t say whether that’s a common preparation or just a goof, but if you’re not one to risk it, maybe order them cooked some other way.

In contrast, our single pancake ($4.50) was a fluffy cloud from carb heaven.

At this point you might be all, “Whoa! Four fiddy for a single pancake!?” but it’s as good as pancakes get and you’re on a remote island in the most isolated archipelago in the world and you didn’t have to cook it or anything, so simmer down and enjoy the ride.

The Biscuits and Sausage Gravy special ($6.95) was rock solid.

Sure, maybe the two biscuits were kinda dry and a bit reminiscent of rocks, but the gravy – creamy, flavorful and every inch what you’d find in a diner in the Deep South – soon permeated the parched bread and evened it all out.

Better yet, our over-easy egg ($2) was perfectly prepared.

Portions are large: We departed that morning beyond full and with leftovers in tow.

After our rental house situation turned out to be über Blair Witchy – if you’ve never been gripped with a fear of being surrounded by and ultimately gored to death by possessed axis deer but would like to, give us a shout – we decided to make the Kualapu’u Cookhouse a regular hideout/refuge/home away from home.

Nothing wipes away the tears and says “I love you” quite like deep-fried bird.

The Boneless Country Fried Chicken ($12.95) was on the specials board all three days we stopped in. We’d vote to add it to the permanent menu.

Reminiscent of the excellent fowl prepared by JB’s in Wailuku, this one comes smothered in brown gravy.

We weren’t expecting that and it renders leftovers a bit soggy – maybe ask for it on the side? – but despite its unexpected presence, it was seriously some of the best brown gravy we’ve ever had in the islands.

This bodes well for the Loco Moco ($9.95).

The accompanying mac salad was also exemplary with a perfect balance of mayo and black pepper.

We sampled the Mushroom Swiss Burger with Fries ($10.50).

The beef isn’t local (per the waitress), but the –we’re guessing – 1/3 pound burger is juicy and satisfying.

Those anticipating a Four Seasons-ish ambiance, adjust your expectations accordingly: Kualapu’u Cookhouse rests firmly at the intersection of super casual and family barbeque.

The indoor seating features plastic folding chairs and the outdoor area offers communal picnic tables and a bathroom bordering on an outhouse. Service is friendly, slow and not afraid to bust into a song along with the radio.

Did we mention it’s slow?

As the menu unflinchingly declares: “If you’re in a hurry, you’re on the wrong island!!!”

On our final morning, we tried the Cookhouse Special ($9.95) – fried rice with an egg on it.

Greasy, fatty and tasty, this rice is laden with onion, Portuguese sausage and Spam. The over-easy egg was perfect. We were more than satisfied and once again had leftovers for the road.

Blame it on a long, calorie-burning night of shuddering in fear while worrying we’d wake up surrounded by ominous stick art made by an angry necromancer, but our dining companion decided to go big before going home and upped the “Three Choice” omelet ($12.50) to six choices (each an additional 75 cents).

The resulting ham, mushroom, tomato, onion, spinach and Swiss omelet found all items present and accounted for.

Overall, it was well-prepared, but note each bite released a squirt of oil from the (otherwise perfectly cooked) eggs.

This is not a complaint if you’re into full-fat or paleo eating.

On a diet?

Maybe order Scotty’s Special Grill Mahi Mahi Breakfast ($14.95) instead.

All told, Kualapu’u Cookhouse is something of a diner, something of a plate-lunch joint, but consistently a notch above your expectations from such places in terms of variety and preparation.

Everything’s a little bit better than what you’d presume and in portions that will fill you beyond your next regularly scheduled meal.

Just remember to bring cash, because your plastic doesn’t work here.

—

Kualapu’u Cookhouse is located at Highway 470 and Uwao Street in Kualapu’u on Molokai. They are open Tuesday to Saturday, 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. and Monday and Sunday 7 a.m. to 2 p.m., although please note we experienced slightly later opening hours in person.

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Like an answered prayer, you appear in her doorstep.

The adorable proprietress lights up like a Christmas tree and readies herself to announce your order into the comical microphone system. “It’s a big kitchen,” she explains when you look bemused.

Should you, like us, ponder the menu a while on your first visit, she will likely rush in with advice.

A psychic intuitive of some sort, Mrs. Han knows what you need.

“Number one for you.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Number one for you. Yes. You number one.”

Is it our serious demeanor? Something in the way we move? Our choice of clothing that evening? The desire in our eyes?

No matter, how do you argue with that?

You don’t.

Thus, the #1 for us or BBQ Chicken ($9.99) is not BBQ in the southern sense, but Korean.

The generous portion of chicken thigh meat is well prepared and has notable soy and ginger flavors.

All told, Mrs. Han did us right: number one, indeed.

The meal itself arrives as a plate lunch with a choice of three sides. The menu lists kimchi, mayo potato, corn, seaweed, tofu, mac salad, pasta salad, green beans and salted cabbage, but the daily offerings usually vary and include a handful of those and a mish-mash of others.

On this particular occasion, we chose the kimchi, which – make a note of this – is truly outstanding. The flavors are complex and there’s good heat and some serious after burn, because what’s the point of kimchi if your lips aren’t sweltering?

We also sampled the mac salad to which we can only say: Holy mayo bomb. If you were raised by Mrs. Hellman you might enjoy this, but we didn’t order it twice.

Also on the menu that day was Dai Kon (daikon). It arrived pickled, pink and strong with the flavors of salt and vinegar.

Not bad. Not good.

Interesting.

These things happen sometimes when one gets brave with an unfamiliar menu.

On our next visit we sampled the #7/Kalbi Ribs ($13.99) and at this point it is safe to assert: Maui BBQ & Grill knows its way around Korean fast food.

The ribs were well-seasoned, tender and in generous portion. By and large, you can get two meals out of a single order here.

Knowing a good thing when we see it, we went with double kimchi and broccoli.

Alas, the broccoli duped us more than once. Although bright green and perfectly cooked, it’s also ice cold and begging for salt. Meh.

On our third visit we got cavalier.

Veering away form the more traditional Korean/plate lunch items, we placed an order for the Cashew Chicken ($11.99).

Mrs. Han made what can only be described as a “yuck face” while quickly shaking her head.

Maybe we spoke too quickly? We restated our order.

“Sweet and sour chicken for you.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Number 12. Sweet and sour for you.”

It’s Mrs. Han’s world; we’re just living in it.

Sweet and Sour Chicken ($11.99) it was.

Out came freshly deep fried pieces of battered chicken in a typically sweet Americanized – think Panda – sweet and sour sauce. Ours came with four chunks of pineapple for anyone counting.

We’re not usually into this type of “Asian” food, but if that’s your jam this version is above average and will likely light your fire.

We forgot all about our previous triple kimchi or bust pledge and asked for broccoli again (vile weed!) and the potato salad.

Hrmmm.

The scene: cubes of what seem to be skin-on baked potatoes fraternize with sautéed onions while basking in a hard-to-identify sauce that your mind assumes is mayonnaise but your taste buds say is not.

The flavor: leftover baked potato three days later and dry like the Sahara.

Pass.

A few weeks later we missed that sweet Mrs. Han… not to mention that kimchi.

On the specials board was the tempting Aloha Seafood Combo ($10.99) featuring fried fish, coconut shrimp and onion rings.

Man overboard.

What do we say about this except “Trust the Gorton’s Fisherman.”

We’re pretty sure the fine folks at Van De Kamp were heavily involved in this dish, but that stated the three coconut shrimp were good and the two battered fish pieces were highly reminiscent of a school lunch… as were the five onion rings.

The hands-down highlight were the chunks of kaffir lime.

All told, steer clear of the deep fryer and stick with what Maui BBQ & Grill is attempting to tell you they’re good at via their name and Mrs. Han’s occasional hijacking of your order: Korean BBQ.

Oh, and give her our best when you go.

—

Maui BBQ & Grill is located at 2395 S. Kihei Rd. #110 in Kihei and open 10:30 a.m .to 8:30 p.m Monday thru Saturday and 2:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. on Sunday.

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Lahaina Grill, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. La-hi-na: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the roof. La. Hi. Na.

Grill.

Founded in 1994, Lahaina Grill is no nubile underage temptress. Almost old enough to drink, she just keeps getting better with age.

On our first venture, our dining companion insisted upon the Baked Escargot ($22).

Yes.

Snails.

About as close as most Westerners get to eating insects (although in all fairness, they are of the phylum mollusca along with clams and mussels).

If you haven’t had the pleasure, you can easily convince yourself they’re mushrooms.

Soaking in the requisite and well-prepared garlicky buttery sauce, they were as superlative a version as any we’ve ever tried.

If you like to dine on nefarious garden pests, now you know.

Moving right along, we tried the Seared Ahi and Hudson Valley Foie Gras ($32).

Yes, we know that foie gras is mean, but gosh darn it, it’s delicious.

It tasted like that scene where the rather androgynous, sexy boy and the beautiful doe-eyed girl run towards one another in a mundane but nonetheless enchanting field and the wheat and wild flowers sway in the breeze, seemingly parting for the ardent lovers to reach one another just a split second sooner. The second bite tastes like that, too. But with less clothes.

Hopefully that duck went to heaven, because we certainly did while enjoying it.

The ahi is rare, the demi-glace succulent and the foie itself incredible. If you can deal with the guilt, go for it.

The Opakapaka melts in your mouth. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

In what was shaping up to be a meal of abject animal cruelty, we also sampled the Marcho Farms Center Cut All Natural Veal Chop ($55).

Accompanied by a savory herbal risotto, buerre blanc sauce and perfectly prepared asparagus, the beautifully cooked meat still shines.

If Catholic (or whatever) guilt allows, it’s a winner.

As we turned our attention to the Opakapaka Special ($45), things melted down… with our camera.

Myriad photographic issues, total malfunctions and inexplicable glitches plagued us that first evening, but our incredible server – noticing this writer in near tears – offered up the use of her phone.

Not only that, she texted the photos to us later that night: a lovely gesture as awkward as it was gracious.

If one thing stands out about Lahaina Grill, it’s the impeccable, professional and yet still somehow warm service: simply supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Back to the fish, the opakapaka was served on a hearty morel mushroom risotto with a tiger prawn on top. The risotto was earthy and rich, but the flavor bordered on overpowering the delicate fish.

The Buffala Tomato Salad looks like a teenager going through an emo phase, but tastes like magic. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

The opakapaka itself?

Like buttah.

The only things that could make each bite more delicious are your tears of joy.

On a subsequent visit we tried the Buffala Tomato Salad ($23).

The plate looks overdone, but the flavors are perfectly balanced.

Basil, onions and cheese work together with the fresh, clean tomato flavor. The olive oil and balsamic add depth and complexity.

The Carpaccio of Filet Mignon ($19), however, was overwhelming.

A spoonful of sugar may help the medicine go down, but renders raw beef, well… freaky.

The cloying sweet citrus notes are unnervingly reminiscent of a Betty Crocker lemon cake made by our mother every Easter: familiar yet objectionable.

The olive tapenade is gilding the lily.

The Carpaccio has a lot going on. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

The meat is so fresh and well-prepared that it doesn’t need this many essences and taste buds activated. Why compete with such clean, simple flavor?

Cut it back to the arugula, the shaved parmigiano-reggiano, a squeeze of lemon, some olive oil and those divine – and divinely clever – fried capers, and we’d eat this every day.

The Center Cut 14 oz. Certified Angus Beef New York Steak ($49) is splendid.

Perfectly cooked and topped with a delightful mushroom demi-glace, any cow would be lucky to meet such a fate.

Accompanied by a vegetable medley flanked with young al dente carrots, our dining companion noted, “They even made the carrots delicious. And I hate carrots.”

Here’s the problem with the herbed potato gratin tucked underneath: nothing.

Hate on us all you like, but our notes from that evening read: “Amazeballs. Want to roll around naked in the potatoes…with my mouth open.”

The NY Steak and those inexplicably tasty carrots. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

What can we say?

This writer is just a girl, sitting in front of a plate of herbed potato gratin, asking it… to love her.

So anyway, our waiter encouraged us to try an accompanying bowl of Roasted Kula Corn ($8).

As the menu stated, it’s been roasted. There is visible char on the kernels and a notable grilled flavor.

Still, we found it quite under-seasoned, but added a bit of the garlic butter (brought with the complementary bread) and a little salt.

Voila!

Magnifique!

Although service is impeccable, the acoustics at Lahaina Grill leave a little to be desired.

Somehow the setup and probably the wooden floors amplify your neighbors’ conversations far beyond the volume of your own, such that you inadvertently hear the adjacent table tell the tale of their love at first sight blind date more than once.

Good for them, but – huh? What’s that someone at your actual table just said?

If it’s your birthday and the restaurant knows this, expect a free dessert in the form of Lampert’s Coconut and Lllikoi Sorbet in a shell of pure, unadulterated, tooth aching sugar ($13).

Dentists all over the island, Lahaina Grill is looking out for you.

Super sweet stuff isn’t really our jam, but we certainly appreciated the gesture, not to mention the bday card and the emailed photo the next day.

The dessert course kinda made our teeth hurt, but sugar isn’t really our thing. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

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But we’ll get to that.

The Boom Boom Pow? Sansei is a sushi Mecca.

Yes, they have grilled fish, salads and some appetizer-y items, but if you want the opportunity to read over a list of sushi rolls so vast that you’ll start to get indecisive and overwhelmed and… wait… there’s another menu to consider, as well?

Welcome to Sansei, Maui’s answer to Willy Wonka.

If you can dream it, they can do it. In fact, they probably already have. Just keep scanning the vast menu and see for yourself.

That there?

That’s a sushi roll made with foie gras.

The defense rests.

We started with appetizers.The Crispy Fried Calamari ($8.95) was crisp and flavorful and perfectly done. It comes with Japanese cocktail sauce which, it turns out, tastes exactly like American cocktail sauce.

The portion was a bit wee and the squidlets themselves may have been part of some sort of pygmy race. Yes, Lilliputian in all respects, but first-class flavor and got the job done.

Besides, too much fried stuff isn’t good for you anyway.

Tell that to our burgeoning muffin top.

We also gave the Tempura Asparagus Spears a whirl. Your $6.95 earns you five fresh perfectly battered and fried asparagus. Prepare to attempt to distract your dining partner and make a grab for the fifth one.

The Mango Crab Salad Hand Roll ($9.95) is a welcome treat for those suddenly fretting about the button straining to free itself from their pants. Accompanied by sweet Thai curry vinaigrette it’s quite possibly filled with a mix of crab and krabb. No matter, the net result is light and packed with glorious flavor.
The Issei combo. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Meantime, courtesy of the nearby stage: Did you know “Girls Just Want to Have Fun?” is virtually impossible for anyone but Cyndi Lauper, dolphins, and the Vienna Boy’s Choir to sing?

**gleeful titter**

The Edamame ($2.95) arrives cold and lightly salted. It’s fine. The price is more than right. Won’t exactly change your life, but no soybean ever will.

The Issei Combo ($18.95) sounds like a bedroom set from IKEA, but it’s actually a mix of ahi, yellowtail, maguro and tomago sushi accompanied by a spicy tuna roll. The egg was a titch too sweet for us, but the fish was super fresh.

So about all that sushi…

Brace yourselves: we’re nitpickers. That’s our job.

Sansei has Goldilocks syndrome in the rice department: it’s inconsistent. Take your pick from too dry, too soggy, not enough vinegar and just right. Adjust expectations accordingly.

Still, the Unagi roll ($7.50) converted not one, but two, “I hate eel” people into eel enthusiasts. Sure, lies were told to get them to try it in the first place, but they thanked us in the end. It’s that good.

The Shrimp Tempura roll was having an off day. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Sansei likes to dress up a California roll in more costumes than a Broadway show. The “69? roll ($13.95) is no exception. The inside-out Cali topped will do right for those of you who shy away from raw fish.

The Shrimp Tempura Roll ($7.95) suffered from the aforementioned rice issues. Picking it up without having it fall apart was not in the cards.

The Rainbow Roll ($13.25) is a Cali Roll in a coat of many colors. Topped with ahi, salmon and avocado slices, it has a good personality AND a pretty face.

Back to basics, the Cucumber and Avocado Tekka Maki ($4.95) is clean and simple, as it should be.

The Panko Crusted Ahi Sashimi ($12.95) was our rare venture into unusual sushi. Sashimi purists at heart, we kept an open mind.

The verdict?

The Rainbow and Cuke/Avo Tekka Maki make a beautiful pair. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Interesting; and that’s not a euphemism for something else.

The sea of soy wasabi butter upon which it rested provided a rich, unctuous contrast to the powerful spinach and arugula flavors.

Then there was the Green Tea Creme Brûlée ($7.95).

No.

It tasted like something made from a freshly mowed lawn.

The tea was powdered and discovered in clumps. When we left most of it behind, the waitress who had enthusiastically recommended it earlier admitted she doesn’t like it either.

Booooo. Why you got to do us like that, friend? Maybe next time send out a warning look while pushing any inadvisable specials.  ::side eye:::

Treachery incident aside, service is friendly and somehow keeps up besides the crowds and vast menu. The servers hustle to keep it all flowing smoothly.

The Ahi Tempura Sashimi. Interesting. Velly velly interesting. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

If all that weren’t enough, the Sansei has one more trick up its sleeve.

For those who like to dine like a Spaniard, after 10 p.m. on Thursday and Friday (plus a bonus fry night of Saturday in Kihei) the sushi and apps are 50% off.

And what’s even better than 50% off?

Karaoke so bad it’s good.

Oh yaaaaaaah.

Let’s get real: karaoke performed by pros is tedious. Yes, you’re a wonderful singer who has clearly been practicing this song for months. Our eardrums thank you.

But YOU, enthusiastic, shameless, tone deaf lady singing with a voice that reminded us of the Grinch?

You’re what makes life worth living.

The green tea creme brûlée. <> Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

And you, Sir, who sang the world’s worst rendition of “Pour Some Sugar On Me” and even gyrated on the floor at one point?

We salute you.

___

The Kihei Sansei is open from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. Sunday and Monday, 5:30 to 10 p.m. Tuesday and Wednesday and from 5:30 p.m. to 1 a.m. Thursday to Saturday.

The Kapalua Sansei keeps the same hours except it closes at 10 p.m. on Saturday.

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They still sell the hot dogs, but these days there’s far less in terms of hardware. However, there is a wide selection of hot and cold sandwiches, as well as a few salads.

At the urging of the man behind the counter, we focused on the hot items.

Due to his accolades (which came with a slightly incoherent story), we tried the Hot Cuban ($9.95).

While there is some debate as to the makeup of a “true” Cuban sandwich, most generally agree it starts with a loaf of Cuban bread which is then lightly buttered, cut in half horizontally, and coated with yellow mustard, roast pork, glazed ham, Swiss cheese and dill pickles.

This is not that, and that’s a good thing.

Cuban sandwiches are kind of bland, but this variation places thin-sliced turkey, Dijon, Swiss cheese, and pickles grilled inside two thick slices of heavily buttered Texas toast resulting in melty, messy, greasy goodness.

The Reuben on Rye ($9.95) is also slightly non-traditional in that it’s made with pastrami, but otherwise by the book with sauerkraut, Swiss and 1000 Island Dressing.

Go make sweet music with that thing.

And maybe ask for a towel ’cause that sandwich is begging for one.

The Cheddar Burger ($8.95) arrives on an extremely fresh bun.

We ordered it medium rare but were told it comes “medium well or more.”

Not sure why, but we at least appreciate the honesty that this is not Burger King, and we will not be having it our way.

Nor did we.

The half pound burger arrived well-done with fresh lettuce, tomatoes and onion. Everything about it was solid, but we’re not big fans of well-done meat and this didn’t change that opinion.

Meals come with a side of coleslaw that looks traditional but tastes predominantly of onion powder.

Fries can be added in lieu of the slaw for an additional $2.50. They’re thin-cut, skin-on and at 12:30 p.m. a bit cold, limp and giving off the vibe they might have been cooked earlier. Nonetheless, they were excellent.

The “Po’ Boy.” Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Speaking of fries, they’re on the Fish Po’ Boy ($11.95).

Say what?

First off, it’s not a Po’ Boy. It’s more like a Mexican-style fish taco on a bun.

A hearty piece of deep-fried ono rests atop a mélange of raw cabbage and carrots, shredded cheese and fries. There isn’t a Po’ Boy in the entire state of Louisiana with raw cabbage and carrots, but whatever, this strange concoction by any name would taste as sweet. Slathered in garlicky tartar sauce, it works. And works hard.

Now you can’t imagine how many times a day we glance down at the WWED bracelet on our wrist and reflect: “What Would Elvis Do?”

The Ma’alaea General store menu made the answer easy – for once – with their Grilled Peanut Butter, Jelly and Banana Sandwich ($4.99).

Word on the street is this was Fat Elvis’ go-to treat.

Still, the look we received when placing this order could best could be described as “incredulous.”

What can we say?

We like to saunter up to a menu and roll the dice.

Roll. The. Dice.

The Grilled Peanut Butter Jelly and Banana makes you go hmmmm. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

And boy, did we. PBJB is a taste sensation we haven’t had since swapping lunches with a fellow fourth grader with (far) more creative parents.

Still, it managed to land squarely in the “not quite what we expected” category.

It had impressive black grill marks which led to a bit of a burned taste. Granted, “burned” is a flavor we were accustomed to in our youth, just not with PBJ.

The gargantuan slices of Texas toast act like insulation, thereby keeping the innards cold.

You know how angel food cake tastes kind of like a sponge? This sandwich reminded us of that fact. The bread to filling ratio is waaaaaay off and we would recommend a return to the “slather it in butter and grill it” programming.

The people who work here are welcoming and sweet. They’ll treat you like family in no time, so have an answer ready when you’re asked what you’re doing with your life.

It’s really a breakfast and lunch spot only: the grill shuts down at 3 p.m. most days and the deli at 5 p.m.

Seating is limited and the menu focuses mainly on sandwiches.

You cannot get your burger cooked your way unless your way is well done.

It is what it is.

You’re in Ma’alaea.

You maybe just stumbled off a boat of some sort and you’re starving.

Breathe.

The General Store’s got your back.

You’ll be clutching fistfuls of napkins with a greasy smile on your face in no time.

—

The Ma’alaea General Store is open 6 a.m. to 7 p.m. daily. The grill closes at 3 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 4 p.m. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The deli is open until 5 p.m. daily.

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We’re guessing this was some kind of “People don’t know how to pronounce it so let’s give it to ‘em phonetically” decision, but in proper Italian, it’s spelled Capisce.

Capisce?

Enough of our nitpicking. About grammar anyway.

We started with the Salumi and Cheese Platter ($19).

It arrived with Taleggio cheese accompanied by some jaw-droppingly good roasted strawberries. Who knew roasting strawberries turned them into crack?

Also on the board was Piave – “the king of Italian cheese” – three pieces of crostini and a singular slice of flatbread. Capische? does not want you to get fat.

The salty and assertive house made salami and the savory, velvety trotters (a soft sausage, kind of like a head cheese) were outstanding.

The Grilled Caesar ($16) arrives with about five charred romaine leaves, the net effect of which is that they’re kind of wilted. The dressing, a very lemony vinaigrette, seems to have been applied directly to the plate. Keeping with the deconstructed theme, some thin slices of Parmesan and a generous helping of anchovies rest on top. It was fine, but not something we’d order again.

The Heirloom Haiku Tomato Caprese ($17) was seventeen dollars.

We’re not certain, but we suspect Heirloom Haiku tomatoes are watered with Cristal and single malt scotch.

Your $17 buys you two small pieces of fresh mozzarella, three slices of heirloom Haiku tomato, some basil mircrogreens, and copious pickled onions. Sadly, the onion flavor was so overpowering we couldn’t taste anything else.

As reformed vegans with brutish vampire tendencies, we know a thing or two about carpaccio.

Invented at Harry’s Bar in Venice, the original dish features the thinnest slices of raw beef garnished with a “secret dressing”: mayonnaise with some Worcestershire and lemon juice. Simple decadence.

Capische?’s Beef Carpaccio ($21) takes gilding the lily to a whole new level with raw beef, capers, parmesan, sprouts, microgreens, breadcrumbs, olive oil, radishes, cucumbers, green beans and Meyer lemon.

Man overboard.

It’s just too much.

We hope they’ll consider a ‘less is more’ strategy and get rid of most – if not all – of the vegetables. The meat deserves a chance to shine and is quality such that it will.

On another visit we took a run at the Slow Cooked Egg Carbonara ($17) and it is… remember that scene in When Harry Met Sally?

Hawaiian Ranchers Prime Filet of Beef. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, YES.

Browned pancetta with cheese and eggs over strozzapreti pasta? Absolute perfection.

The Vongole Salsicca ($20) is rich with clams and sausage in a fennel-flavored tomato sauce. It’s an unusual combination of flavors that works wonderfully. The fact that it arrives on black squid ink fettucine? Gilding the lily again, but this time it works.

The Roasted Onaga ($44) arrives on a ragout of toothy – and vinegary – parsnip puree. It was pretty salty, but not enough to ruin the dish. Unfortunately, around this time it became clear that our waiter apparently forgot to tell us we were playing a game of Hide and Go Seek. He was expert level.

The Hawaiian Ranchers Prime Filet of Beef ($55) must be sourced from a special breed of miniature cows.

The mushroom risotto. Too bad there’s no such thing as “seconds” at a restaurant. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Despite its small stature, it is expertly prepared with a harsh char on the outside yet sweet medium rare meat in the middle.

Capische? is known for their Mushroom Truffle Risotto ($23). Rich, creamy, and still toothsome, the only problem is the itty bitty portion. Maybe we’re pigs, but the portion struck us more as “essence of risotto.”

Haute cuisine rations are fine, but with risotto we want to be forced to unbutton our pants.

We ordered the Veal Chop ($55) picatta style.

The veal arrived perfectly cooked and the piccata sauce was on-point with strong lemon and caper flavors, but we found the onion chunks oversized and weren’t too keen on the overly assertive punch of basil.

The Veal Chop. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

We didn’t dislike it, per se, but we wouldn’t order it again. Maybe try your luck with the Marsala version instead?

The expression “capisce?” has come to be associated with Hollywood gangster types, as in, “Tony’s gonna fit you with these here concrete shoes and then take you on a little trip. We better not hear nothing out of your pie hole, capisce?”

Capische? seems to be asking a few tough talking questions of its own.

• How much time ya got?
• How hungry are ya?
• Ya got one of those Black Amex cards?

“Wilson!” This is what happens if we have too much wine. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Let’s drill down the list.

Service gives new meaning to the word “leisurely.”

The setting is drop-dead gorgeous, but expect LENGTHY pauses between courses, and by lengthy we mean a half an hour or more: an experience we had during all three visits and even on odd nights like a Wednesday.

Portions are generally tiny. Maybe not adorable tiny so much as not-filling-your-belly tiny.

In addition, Capi$che? is expen$$$ive. Your wallet’$ innard$ will rumble from hunger upon exit. It’$ go big or go home time, kid$. We recommend you bring your black American Expre$$.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy your taste buds some joy.

—

Capische? is open daily from 5:30–9:30 p.m.

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Tucked into an extraordinarily nondescript strip mall off a constantly jammed up stretch of Dairy Road, this nearly invisible little hole in the wall looks sketch, but offers some unexpected surprises.

If the digs don’t clue you in, allow us: the grub ain’t fancy schmancy, but tasty and straightforward home-style Japanese.

The Unagi Don provides an ample portion of well-sauced tender eel for $14.40.

Served on a king size bed of fluffy rice, it’s simple but satisfying and a good deal for the price.

Same can be said for the Fried Saba ($9.60).

Cabbage. Rice. Fish. Side. Any questions? Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Although most of the items are pre-made – presumably from a speedy plate lunch assembly perspective – this was prepared to order.

Crisp on the outside but moist and tender on the inside, the fish was piping hot and perfectly cooked. The presentation is beyond simple: plain rice, shredded raw cabbage, chunk of lemon, aforementioned fish.

Be aware that mackerel is one oily little dude. If an hour or two later you realize you can’t quite remember what it tasted like, don’t worry: it’ll be ba-ack.

Saba, it seems, is the gift that keeps on giving… all night long.

If you are one of those people that regularly laments that fish tastes too “fishy” then say hello to your worst culinary nightmare.

However, if you happen to like the smaller fishies and proceed with expectations properly in check, you’ll likely be pleased, albeit rooting around in the cabinet later for some Tums.

The second you first lay eyes on the Fried Oysters you know you’re in uncharted waters. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Along with the ubiquitous white rice, the plate lunches are accompanied by either a very mayonnaise-y macaroni salad, nishime (a Japanese stew made with root vegetables), or steamed vegetables (typically broccoli and cauliflower mix that may have started out life in a freezer bag). There’s no real stand out here. Go with your gut.

Still, sometimes one’s gut fails them.

They see an old friend on the menu and pull the trigger.

It is then they learn their old friend has had some unflattering work done.

Generally speaking, food shouldn’t inspire you to burst out in uncontrollable laughter.

However, if you are of the ilk that buys Hot Pockets just for the irony, this may be your jam.

At the other end of this hollow tube of fried oyster dough may be China. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Roll on into Koko Ichiban Ya, order the fried oysters ($9.60) and get your guffaw on.

These oysters are Japanese the way Godzilla is Japanese: huge, cartoonish and mildly ominous.

What on earth?

It’s seafood’s answer to the corn dog. The only thing missing is the stick.

How one tiny oyster manages to become engulfed in an otherwise hollow three-inch long tube of tasteless fried breading is a mystery for the ages.

And more than ‘how’, they beg the question ‘why’???

Simply put: pass.

The Chicken Katsu ($8.40), however, redeems them all on its own.

$9 buys you a whole lotta chicken katsu. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

The price is more than right.

An extremely generous portion of crisp chicken accompanied by your choice of sides greets you. Tasty and quick, it’s exactly what you expect from Japanese comfort food.

The word is clearly out about this and its kissin’ cousin, the Pork Tonkatsu ($8.64).

As you wait for your less common menu item to be prepared, customers file in one after the other, quickly ordering and taking their katsu bowls and plate lunches to go.

The small space turns out an impressive amount of food.

The restaurant is a family affair. The Japanese parents work the kitchen and their congenial son is in front.

In keeping with its bare bones operations, Koko Ichiban Ya accepts cash only and all the seemingly odd price points round up to solid figures like $8.50, $10 and $15 once the tax is added.

The small space is clearly frequented by regulars, although it seems you, too, can become a regular in very little time, perhaps only because you never order the same thing twice.

Speaking of which, the Tempura Udon ($8.16) is particularly satisfying on a rainy day.

The Tempura Udon. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Thick chewy udon noodles bathe/lounge in a savory kakejiru (typically dashi, soy sauce, mirin – and the flavor indicated it was) broth.

The accompanying tempura is a good news/bad news scenario.

Typically, one receives a single tempura-fried shrimp – possibly two – and often it arrives already in the soup and irrevocably soggy.

Koko Ichiban Ya not only provides two shrimp and one piece each of zucchini, carrot and eggplant, but they thoughtfully serve them on the side.

The sad trombone?

They were fried hours before and time, humidity, and life itself have rendered them a bit soggy anyway.

Oh well.

You can’t win them all.

Still, if you’re seeking some quick, simple Japanese comfort food – or a hearty belly laugh – Koko Ichiban Ya in Kahului is a solid bet.

—

Koko Ichiban Ya is open Monday through Friday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

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His profile on the Bravo website reveals “Sheldon talks the Hawaiian talk and loves to cook with local island ingredients, but is confident when competing against mainland chefs. The Executive Chef of Star Noodle in Lahaina, Sheldon is a two-time James Beard semifinalist — for “Rising Star” and “Best New Restaurant,” both in 2011. Also in 2011, Maui Nokaoi Magazine named him “Chef of the Year.” Food & Wine Magazine named Sheldon “Best New Chef People’s Choice” nominee in 2012. He learned his basic culinary skills at Disneyworld, where he also met his wife, but his competitive nature has ensured his continued success that has landed him all of these accolades.”

Chef Sheldon spoke with us about how he became a “Cheftestant” on the popular Bravo series and what we can expect from the man who started out at Aloha Mixed Plate and now heads up Star Noodle in Lahaina.

MN: How did you end up on Top Chef?

SS: Shortly after receiving the nod for Food & Wine magazine’s “People’s Best New Chef” Pacific Northwest, I was contacted with the opportunity of trying out for Top Chef.  I was blessed to be chosen as one of the cheftestants for Season 10.

MN: Had you been a fan of the show and what were you anticipating beforehand?

SS: I’ve been a big fan for years.  I’ve watched it from the start and always joked with my wife Janice about trying out for the show. Never in my life did I think that it would actually happen. It was difficult dealing with the fact that I would be away from my family for some time, but this was an amazing opportunity that I couldn’t miss. It wouldn’t have been possible without the tremendous support from my wife.

3.  What do you hope your Maui friends, fans, and ohana will take away from watching you compete?

It is an honor to represent my family, the Star Noodle ohana, my hometown of Hilo, the island of Maui, and the state of Hawaii.  I hope you all get to see my character, personality, and how my cooking greatly reflects my upbringing in Hawaii. I hope I brought a sense of Aloha to Top Chef.

MN: With respect to the other 19 cheftestants, it seems you bring a unique cultural perspective, both Filipino and Hawaiian. Was that a good thing, a challenge, and why?

SS: Growing up in Hawaii, we are blessed with the bounty of mauka and makai, land and the ocean.  My parents are amazing cooks.  Luckily, growing up, I was exposed to all sorts of food.  It’s crazy to see how everyone is given the same set of rules for each challenge and the outcome of dishes are so diverse and a direct reflection of each chef’s background.

MN: Did you know ahead of time that the show would be filmed in Seattle? Had you ever been there before and what did you think of the city, climate and food?

SS: I did not know what city the 10th season was going to be filmed in. I have never been to the Pacific Northwest.

MN: Did your experience cooking at Disneyworld factor into competing on Top Chef and (if so) how?

SS: My stint in Disneyworld was my first time away from home (Hawaii). It was definitely an eye-opener for a kid from Hilo. What I learned the most during my time at Disney was learning to deal with different personalities from the people I met and encountered.  People who grew up in Hawaii always intrigue people, and I learned to open up and share our culture with others. It was a big “grow up session” part of my life.

MN: Is there anything those of us familiar with your food at Star Noodle can expect or expect to be shocked by?

SS: I put it all out there on the line and cooked from the heart. It was an experience that will forever influence my cooking.

MN: Watching the preview video, it appears you had to prepare geoduck (among other things). Did you bone up on Northwest cuisine in preparation?

SS: Tune in and “Watch What Happens”!

Top Chef Season Ten airs tomorrow, November 7th, at 10 p.m. on Bravo. Until then, the first ten minutes (and a whole bunch of very loud Carnival Cruise ads) can be enjoyed here.

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Local musician and Ulalena cast member Anthony Natividad died unexpectedly last Sunday, October 28^th, a week and a half after this interview was conducted. He was an influential and beloved member of this community and will be missed.

A handmade traditional Hawaiian nose flute is placed beside each of your ears. You sit in a chair; your back to the musician.

“This is the voice of your ancestors,” Anthony Natividad tells you.

And it is.

Although earlier the melodies had seemed to be Native American, Hawaiian, Hindu and even at times even Peruvian, now – suddenly – the sound is notably Celtic.

As a few tears fall from your eyes, you wonder who or what this man really is and how on earth he is managing to conjure this hauntingly familiar music…and with his nose.

“The sound of the nose flute is played for souls…not just our own, but the souls of your ancestors and any ancestor in the area. I’m the vehicle for the flute to have a voice,” Natividad explains, and somehow this makes sense.

Anthony Natividad did not immediately recognize the nose flute as his calling.

(more…)

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This little restaurant is open for lunch Monday through Friday from 11 a.m. – 2 p.m. They also offer a four-course dinner for $25 on First Fridays…and sometimes other Fridays as well. (You may want to call ahead to discern whether or not that’s the case on any Friday that isn’t the first one.)

Tonight’s menu features a baked artichoke and cheese dip served with croustades, a seared ahi salad, and a choice of Kalua pork, chicken katsu, or teriyaki ginger-glazed mahi mahi all served with macaroni salad and white rice. The meal is finished with a piece of pumpkin pie.

Dainty eaters or those on a more limited budget can also enjoy many of the items a la carte for a similarly reasonable price ($8.50 for the salad, $9.60 for the entrees).

Lunch, as mentioned, is served Monday through Friday and a new menu is offered each week. Prices are notably low, but there is a reason for that.

Vineyard Food Company doubles as “Catering From Soup to Nuts, Inc.” and more or less that’s what you can expect: catered food in a sit-down restaurant setting.

The lunch menu offers a variety of different salads each week. The first are something akin to what you might find in a supermarket deli counter: quinoa, potato, tortellini or cole slaw. They are available in small and large portions for $4.50 and $6.50, respectively.

The large portions are indeed, large. A few weeks back Vineyard was offering a curried rice salad with apples, raisin, celery, rice, carrots, and mango. The vegan dish was at once sweet, savory, and satisfying. Served cold, the portion was more than could be finished in one sitting. Not bad for $6.50.

On another occasion, we sampled the Cheese Tortellini with assorted vegetables and pesto dressing. Mixed with the tortellini were cherry tomatoes, onions, artichoke heart, green bean, asparagus, red bell pepper, and carrots. This was also a cold salad – likely premade a day or two before – but still had good flavor and value for the price.

The Sour Cream Potato/Egg salad was less successful, perhaps because the skins were left on the potatoes themselves. Arguably a matter of taste, this is not our preference. Again, thoughts of a supermarket deli counter came to mind,  as it was more or less a typical potato salad: not bad, but nothing special.

But it’s not all cold pasta and rice salads. Vineyard Food Company also offers a soup of the day, a variety of green salads, and sandwiches. Regulars include the CS2N Salad ($8.50) with greens, crumbled goat cheese, mandarin oranges, Maui onions, and candied pecans and the Vineyard Burger ($9.50): eight ounces of Maui beef on an onion roll.

Be aware, however, that many things sell out by Friday. Come earlier in the week or expect slim pickings.

The Tuna Melt ($9.50) was served warm-ish. Somehow the tuna was cold but had a layer of melted cheese (how’d they manage that?), and the bread gave the appearance of having been in a Panini maker, but was cool to the touch.

The somewhat plain tuna salad – notable only for a scattering of capers – also came with tomato slices, lettuce, and several thick chunks of onion. The sandwich was served with a handful of potato chips. Although nothing earth-shattering, it was a solid sandwich made better by the fair price tag and clean, sunny ambience.

We also sampled the Mac Nut Crusted Mahi Mahi with Mango/Papaya Fruit Salad ($9.60). It offered a good size portion of well-prepared fish. Although a bit under-seasoned, the interesting salad of – what seemed to be, despite the description – pineapple, cantaloupe, green onion, red bell pepper all but made up for it.

Again, the food had clearly been pre-made and reheated. It is what it is.

Go in with related expectations and hopes of having a quick and affordable lunch or dinner in a bright and cheery setting, and you’re likely to leave satisfied.

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