Act I – The Wanderers: Seeking Foretold Fortune The Scene: a modest strip-mall restaurant with a knockout view of Foodland. Stage Left: Enter Waiter, a ubiquitous presence at the restaurant. If you require a refresher – and even if you don’t – on some basic Spanish, Waiter (serving also as...

Lana’i ‘Ohana Poke Market really chaps our hide. Without hesitation, the worst thing about the place is that it’s on Lana’i, a 50-minute, occasionally nauseating boat ride from Maui. Tis bullsh*t, my friends. If that weren’t enough, while you are within chewing distance of it, ‘Ohana Poke...

Back in fourth grade, we had a major crush on a boy named Robbie Knowles. He was an odd little dude who regularly did a spot-on monkey impression for no apparent reason. It was strictly a “longing from afar” kind of thing that was forced into suppression when a close friend wrote an a capella...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of yoga studios, it was the age of kombucha, it was the epoch of composting, it was the epoch of GMOs, it was the season of avocados, it was the season of star fruit, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair,...

Blues artist Kevin Moore, or Keb’ Mo’ as he’s more commonly known, is a three-time Grammy Award-winning blues musician. The singer, guitarist, and songwriter is described in his JamBase biography as “a living link to the seminal Delta blues that travelled up the Mississippi River and across...

Bitch, make me a sandwich. This is absolutely not something you should ever say to the lovely lady taking your order behind the counter at the 808 Deli, largely because she is not the one doing the actual sandwich making. Plus, she just called you “hon” and seems to be a nice person, and your...

In honor in this weekend’s 43rd Maui Marathon, let’s talk about a different kind of endurance. You don’t just show up at JB’s Kitchen in Wailuku. It’s more like something you need to condition for at spring training. Materials you’ll need: Elastic waistband pants, preferably in dark colors....

WARNING: SATIRE… MOSTLY. Most of this is utter nonsense, but some of it near the end is actually founded in fact. By Vanessa Wolf A public forum focusing on issues surrounding feral cats and chickens on Maui is planned for tomorrow night. With respect to the issues at hand, Mayor Arakawa...

Like a lone revolutionary, Like Poke? stands out against the rusty landscape on a daunting stretch of Hobron Avenue, shunning crowds and convention and defying you to continue to drive around as a growing conviction in you says you’ve made a wrong turn. You haven’t. Still, unless you’re a...

WARNING: satire By Vanessa Wolf Sources report she has chosen the form of a middle-aged woman with a beehive hairdo. It’s unclear whether or not she is wearing glasses on a chain around her neck or just an unusual blouse.Over the warm waters of the eastern Pacific Ocean, Tropical Storm...

A weekend late night institution, if you’ve ever been to Sansei after 10 p.m. you developed a whole new appreciation for drunken karaoke performances. But we’ll get to that. The Boom Boom Pow? Sansei is a sushi Mecca. Yes, they have grilled fish, salads and some appetizer-y items, but if you...

If you’ve ever looked out the window while getting  your tires rotated in Kihei, you may have noticed a cute little house across the street. That’s Chez Meme Baguette Bistro, a delightfully renovated space with a dynamite view of the Goodyear Tire store. What was once a modest little cottage...

Stewart’s Burgers currently occupies the spot that used to be Fat Boy Burgers (and before that was a fish and chips place) in the Kukui Mall on South Kihei Road. It also seems to have stuck with Fat Boy’s same lots o’ burgers with clever names a la carte state of affairs. But whatever. It’s...

If you like your happy hours crowded with options and other people, Five Palms Beach Grill in the Mana Kai Condo building in South Kihei will likely put a smile on your face. The desirable prime time happy hour seating area by the bar fills up fast and stays that way. Expect service to be...

Alright stop whatcha doin’ ’cause I’m about to ruin The image and the style that ya used to. Was Shock G foreshadowing the existence of this acai bowl – aptly named “the O.G.” – when he uttered these words back in 1990? Obviously, the answer to that question is “yes.” If you are a person who...

Editor’s note: The article below is purely for entertainment purposes. (Although an ice cream delivery truck really did catch fire near Launiupoko on Monday.) What started as a favor to Reuben Mattus, the founder of Haagen-Dazs, melted down yesterday morning in frozen confection flames, as...

If you have ever wondered what it would be like to be invisible, grab a seat at the bar at Ko at the Fairmont Kea Lani and find out. It could be unfailing bad luck. It could be that the kama’aina deal (50% off food and 25% off drinks) is only offered at the bar and some sort of “you get what...

This isn’t Kansas City, the Carolinas or any part of Texas, either. Try to get some collards, hushpuppies, or sweet potato pie, and you’ll quickly realize this is Maui. That stated, Mama’s Ribs and Rotisserie in both Napili and Kihei proudly presents another one of those “pretty good…for...

Drive by Archie’s in Wailuku between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. and witness the full lot. What’s going on in that nondescript concrete building? What do these patrons know that you don’t? And can it be appreciated if you aren’t already a seeming insider? Archie’s is like an irascible old man that you...

Oh, how we pray you will read this part before diving into the sea of words below and realize THIS IS NOT TRUE AND MEANT IN FUN. Court records indicate Charles “Chip” Carlson has filed a restraining order against a migratory humpback whale currently believed to be residing off the west coast...

Just a little amuse bouche for your brain. In other words, this is satire intended to entertain, thus its location in the arts and entertainment section. Last week, the US Attorney’s Office announced that a former US Army officer living in Hawaii had been charged with disclosing classified...

If you like Korean food, Ohana Karaoke Cafe & Grill Go Hyang Jip in Wailuku is – for the most part – a real find. Despite its hole-in-the-wall exterior, it’s actually tastefully decorated and quite new-looking inside. Don’t be surprised to find that most of the clientele is Korean and...

But if this were true. It isn’t. We wish it were true, but it’s really just a little Arts and Entertainment piece that you will hopefully find entertaining or at least slightly amusing. Special thanks to my dad and his mad Photoshop skillz. Hawaii loves Spam. Although made in the Midwest,...

It’s been almost a month since someone last robbed the First Hawaiian Bank in Pukalani. We bet there are a few of you out there thinking “third time’s the charm” and possibly considering your own hit. Sure, you have a dirt bike and some camouflage pants. Perhaps your lady has been whining...

From the mind of Donavita Quixota-Wolf: Sorry to bother you, but I’m in the midst of a great adventure: spreading chivalry, righting wrongs, and slaying beasts. There’s something terrible here amongst us, and I need to gather others to the cause. I think you can help. So here’s the story: I...

The confirmation that the February 26 power outage at the Kahului Airport was caused by a chicken found inside a transformer in the rental car area validated investigators’ worst fears. A spokesperson commented, “For several months now, there has been talk of a renegade band of...

Dining at Ramen Ya in the Queen K mall started off a little more like a double-dog dare than a promising enterprise. Ominous phrases like “noodles in dirty dishwater,” and “it’s a carb carnival and the protein isn’t invited” were tossed about, proving the dare-makers aren’t just mean… they’re...

Once again, dear friends, this has been posted in “Entertainment,” which is to say it’s meant to entertain you.   Yet again, the airlift crews have been called out to the Bamboo Forest. We’re not judging the whos, whats, hows or whys of that situation, but it did seem like good timing to...

Phil G. 250 affordable housing units!? We can’t have that. Absolutely not. It’s a bait and switch if I’ve ever seen one. Let me paint the picture:  do you know what they mean by ‘affordable’? They mean “projects.” You heard me right: projects. I have an inside source who has tipped me off,...

***Editor’s note: this article is purely satirical and in response to a Maui senator’s proposed law to enable celebrities to take civil action against the paparazzi or anyone harassing them in Hawaii (roughly speaking). That proposed law is called the Steven Tyler Act. And no, Vanessa Wolf is...

First off, let me say I’m not just some jerk with a lot of opinions about whether or not marijuana should be legalized, or given away as a free gift when you open a bank account, or smoked in movie theaters, or put on the flag in the place of those little stars. Well, I am saying that, but I...

When you dine at Kono’s on the Green, one word of exclamation comes to mind: wow. But not always in a good way. Let’s start with the good wow moments first. For one, the view is to die for. Situated above the stunning Elleair Golf Course, it’s nothing but lush green grass and water traps as...

**Editor’s note: This article is based on yesterday’s story about a woman who was arrested after falling through the ceiling of Kihei Police Station.** It’s always alarming when someone unexpectedly crashes through the ceiling of a police station, and we sincerely hope everything works out...

If you have ever lamented to a friend, “Why isn’t there a restaurant where I can plop down at the table of my choice, be greeted in a friendly manner, and receive a $3 hamburger five minutes later?” then you are not alone. If you thought that $3 full-service restaurant hamburger fantasy was...

*BEFORE READING:* Nothing about this story is true, unlike the recent story about the time capsule that was discovered under the old Wailuku Post Office (1/22/2013). Ralph and Louise Tanaka of South Kihei were shocked to discover a time capsule underneath the dilapidated shed outside their...

Dear Would-Be Olowalu to Iao Valley Hiker, It has come to our attention that you keep trying this, despite the preponderance of words like “certain death,” “impossible,” “beyond stupid,” and “Darwin Awards.” Speaking of which, we can’t help but wonder if the ancient Hawaiians started the tale...

Bev Gannon’s Hali’imaile General Store is something of a legend on this island. First off, there is pretty much nothing to see or do whatsoever in Hali’imaile, so the mere fact that visitors and locals have trekked up there for decades surely counts for something. Secondarily, it has not one,...

Stand-up comedian, political commentator, and television host Bill Maher performs next Tuesday, Jan. 1 at the MACC. We discovered a slightly more lighthearted side of the acerbic host of HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher, when we talked to him about elephants, time travel, and really bad...

Ferraro’s Bar e Risorante at the Four Seasons is the real estate agent’s dream: location, location, location. It may take a few days, but once you secure your sunset-timed table reservation, you can look forward to being seated on an open patio just 100 yards from the water. The setting is...

Have you ever raved about a new love to everyone you know? Then the day comes that you introduce them to friends and family, confident in the presumption that they will fall equally hard …and everything – inexplicably – goes so very, very wrong? Have you ever shown that same new love off to...

Let’s get one thing out of the way first: Leoda’s ain’t cheap. If you are accustomed to a $9 pie feeding four, six or even eight people, well, better hope those people have anorexia. But while the pies sold at Leoda’s Kitchen and Pie Shop are pricey…with the high cost of admission comes a...

Local musician and Ulalena cast member Anthony Natividad died unexpectedly last Sunday, October 28th, a week and a half after this interview was conducted. He was an influential and beloved member of this community and will be missed. A handmade traditional Hawaiian nose flute is placed...

There are a vast number of culinary influences here on Maui. Those familiar with Hawaii Regional Cuisine know it honors the blend of cultures that originally settled this land: Polynesian, Chinese, Japanese, American, Portuguese, Korean, and Filipino predominantly. Puerto Rican food isn’t...

If you’ve ever watched – or joined a 12-step program to address your addiction to – Top Chef, Iron Chef, or Chopped, chances are you’ve wished you could be one of the judges. You are not alone. Happily, my dream finally came true. Don’t be hating, but it turns out the role is as awesome –...

Within a few days, most leis have withered into something rather sad-looking. Not so with the feather-based creations done by Pattie Hanna and her students. Those students took  home nearly a dozen blue ribbons at the 90th annual Maui county fair, it is clear Hanna’s goal is coming to...

If the sight of the Joe’s waiter dropping off a steak knife for the chicken and waffles didn’t serve as a warning, the accompanying “you’re going to need this” probably should have. KFC doesn’t give out heavy-duty cutlery. In fact, one can usually can get by with just a plastic spork. So why...

If you have written Beach Bums in Ma’alaea off as just another tourist trap: reconsider. Sure, it’s full of sunburned people fresh off snorkeling boats and whale watching tours. Yes, 80s tunes blare day and night, and they sell $20 t-shirts with “Beach” printed on the front and “Bums” on the,...

Per our offer to track down a beloved recipe for you,  B.K. In Lahaina wrote in, “I have been savoring and dreaming of Pineapple Grill’s Steamed Manila Clams ever since I first tried them.  I admit, I was apprehensive at first, I normally DO NOT like clams, but just one bite and you’ll see...

Sure Thing Burger in Lahaina is tucked back about halfway in the Lahaina Marketplace on Front Street. Is it a sure thing? Well, most of the time the Sure Thing Burger ($8) is darn good – if a little bit tiny for the price tag. Fresh and moist, the Grass Fed Maui Beef is perfectly seasoned and...

Five words come to your mind: I WISH I WAS DRUNK. Not because the food is bad, but because it’s that good and – possibly, probably – even better with beer; lots of beer. Happily, Tiffany’s Bar and Grill in Wailuku can set you up there as well. In addition to the delicious and vast local style...